All for a Mac

One evening, I decided to drive to McDonald's, the largest food chain restaurant on planet earth. A good idea, I thought. Ruminations loomed, about how the Big Mac, in its own way, symbolizes globalization on planet earth. How utterly bizarre, I thought! The chain of thought was broken when my ever-escalating waistline promptly tried to outscream the cacophonic dissonance caused by the rush-hour traffic and familiarize me with the calories and cholesterol content of the snack I was about to ingest. I did not take the hint. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol anyway. All the others in this godforsaken town do too. And on this particular day, there were apparently a hell of a lot of them driving around aimlessly. This made me feel like a gladiator wrestling his way out of a maniacal onslaught by beasts.

After driving for nearly 90 minutes, I concluded that it was a torture that I could easily have done without. The whole thing was just a bad idea, I thought. My ever-escalating waistline promptly agreed.

Talking of tortures, the Total Perspective Vortex is the most horrible torture device to which a sentient being can be subjected. Located on Frogstar World B, it shows its victim the entire unimaginable infinity of the universe with a very tiny marker that says "You Are Here" which points to a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot. The shock of being placed in the Vortex could easily destroy your brain. I sometimes wonder what the inhabitants of Frogstar World B would say after a leisurely drive to a McDonald's restaurant on planet earth.

Peace.
AMD

Enter the Acturan Micro Dodo!

This is a testimonial that my dearest, greatest, smartest, coolest earthling friend Murgi, wrote for me... (Aaaaah! Murgi, now pls let go of my neck!!)

Anyway, read on...

Enter the Acturan Micro Dodo

It seems like a dream, a distant mirage, a figment of my imagination … but those days really did happen. College life is something we all cherish to our graves and so too will I always cherish those days and remember every glorious moment each and every day for the rest of my life. For I fear that if I didn’t, they would escape from within the confines of my memory and be lost in limbo forever. I once knew a guy named Harsha …

The first day of college is always special because it’s the first time you see the nutcases that you’re destined (doomed) to spend the rest of the next few years with. That was when we first saw ‘it’. A silent reclusive large creature who preferred to sit aloof from the rest of us noisy ‘chatter boxes’ with only his over sized moustache for company, Harsha is the reason I no longer subscribe to clichés regarding ‘first impressions’ ‘cause boy were we wrong about the dude! The next few months would see this guy unleash his wizardry turning everything he touched into pure gold and of course he’s not a recluse but just a tad shy ;)

‘tis not just once that one would see Harsha sitting in class with a bemused expression on his face while the professor filled the board with calculations, apparently going nowhere and everywhere all at once. The thing is that he’d always manage to finish the problem in less than two steps in a shade under 45 and 3/7ths seconds while the rest of us mere mortals wondered what the point of existence was that the ‘powers that be’ had to subject us to such excruciating torment. Academics aside, Harsha is the most extraordinary musician I have ever jammed with (and I have jammed with some of the best). The guy can play a dozen instruments (I kid you not) and heed my words – he doesn’t just ‘play’ these instruments but knows how to caress magical tunes out of each and every one of them confounded musical doohickeys!

How could I forget our Engineering project? This testimonial would be so incomplete without an honourable (dishonourable) mention of our ‘endeavours’ in this regard. Guess, we spent more time at random fast food joints in that span of six months in and around NAL than at NAL itself. Those were some of the best days of engineering and I still can’t figure out how we finally managed to get the ‘bloody’ project (hope you remember that goof up on my part) done on time. Buddy, I’m sure we could all vouch for the fact that those days would have been sad … nay, miserable without you dude although we probably might have eaten a tad less than we did (but who’s complaining?)

“Brain the size of a planet…”, but lazy to the hilt, the dude who we all thought would get placed first took his own sweet time to decide when the muhurtam was right to open his mouth in an HR interview while all the top companies went whooshing past. Harsha has often demonstrated levels of laziness which rivalled a cross between a dead sloth bear and a pebble lying on a nude beach (don’t ask me ‘why a nude beach’) owing to which he’d sometimes offer to shake your hand without removing his own from his pockets. It goes without saying that this has shocked quite a few women (and impressed some others, a fact which we shall leave out for now).

The word ‘genius’ would be an understatement for a guy like Harsha, a complete under-representation of the bloke’s true potential. A large person with an even larger heart (did I mention that I wasn’t going to use clichés ?), Harsha’s never been the dude to back off from lending a helping hand to people who weren’t as well endowed (well, you can wipe that silly smirk of your face) as him when it came to exhibiting a grasp of certain concepts and subjects that even Einstein would have been proud of. When the dude finally got placed and had to leave the city, the entire class showed up to bid him adieu! If that doesn’t say a thing or two about the dude, I don’t know what else possibly could!

Thank you for the memories dude! Memories are what keep me going today … Sometimes we spend a lifetime trying to amass useless worldly sh*t when all we had to do is pause and reflect on the days that were and will always be in our heart to realize how rich we’ve always been. Those glorious days really did happen and they were the best days of my life. I once knew a guy named Harsha …

Love you always bro …

murgi …

Peace.
AMD

Ordeals Italiano

On planet Earth, the word ‘Travel’ invariably means the transport of people or objects from one location in space to another, because an earthling’s perception of time travel is remarkably lousy. The primitive means of air travel on this tiny unregarded blue-green planet are remarkably lousy too. As a result, during my recent explorations of the western hemisphere of this planet, I have had to contend with intense physical and mental distress.

For instance, during my recent trip to Italy, the waiting times in all airports were illogically high and the queues for the security checks extended infinitely, into unexplored hyper-space. Finally, when the elaborate procedures drew to a close, most passengers were radiant with exaltation. But I was not, owing to the fact that I hailed from a country which entitled me to an EBSC - Extra Bonus Security Check! And to top it all I was on a two pit-stop strategy.

Well, I landed in Italy.

Here’s what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about Italy. "Italy, officially the Italian Republic or Repubblica Italiana, is a rather obscure and unsung southern European country, hated by French football fans". The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy also mentions Italy. It says "Who hates Italy? Everyone likes pizza". In Italy, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than the Encyclopaedia Galactica.

Tourists seem to adore the sites, the quaint shops, the tasty pastas and the amicable Italian locals. But they are completely ignorant of the amount of bureaucratic paper shuffling the Italians and those who chose to live in Italy have to endure.

I chose to live here for two months and began the treacherous process of getting a Permesso di Soggiorno (permission to stay), made even more treacherous by the sheer obtuseness of the company that I work for. I finally got one, but only after multiple trips to the local immigration office, long queues and unintelligible abuses from half-witted immigration officials.

So, if you are ever destined, compelled or obliged to live in Italy for more than eight days, and you work for some sleaze-ball software company, and you do not possess the ability to endure delay or provocation without becoming antagonized, I suggest you carry with you an object that can be used to deliver heavy blows, preferably a hammer. A babel fish would come in very handy too, because Italiano is the only language spoken in this part of the world. Two months, and I am yet to encounter an Italian who can pronounce a single word right in English.

But all said and done, one cannot help but be impressed by the Italian cuisine, fashion, luxury sports cars and motorcycles, as well as the beautiful monuments, lakes and mountains, not to mention, the warmth and passion of the Italian people. It is almost time for me to return home, and I have to admit that despite frequent misadventures and a few near-calamities I am certainly going to have fond memories of the place.

Peace.
AMD

Chicken from Hell

A few words about a Hen-man that I know from college (not the worthless British tennis player). I'm talking about The Gallus gallus domesticus. El pollo del infierno. What can I say about The chichen from hell? Having listened to his gutar 'not so gently' weep, through 4 years of college, I have to say that he was getting really good at it. He could learn a Kirk Hammet lead in 10 seconds, which meant that he always had the potential to be a popular dude among the girls. But he could also eat a whole Shanti Sagar Masale dosa in 10 seconds, which meant that the radius of curvature of some of his body parts could only be measured with the help of the latest wave in mathematics, called Murgomathics. He has always been a best buddy, although he sometimes lends a deaf ear when you want him to listen, but thats only because his ear is partially deaf with all the loud and harsh music blasting his ear drums.

He is very much a mama's boy. His mom used to keep him in control all the time. All she had to say was "Bad Tinku, no donut for you!".

Peace.
AMD

Shibboleth

This post has something to do with the most powerful man on planet Earth. George W. Bush is the 43rd chief executive of the United States. He is a hero to a few, a villain to some and a piteous creature to most, including me. I mean, I can't even imagine why anyone would get mad at Bush for administration policies - he's had practically nothing to do with them!

Anyway, I think he would do better as a professional comedian. When the dude says 'Nucular' he actually means 'Nuclear'. His malaprops make him sound like someone who learned the language over a bad cell phone connection. Some of the things he has to say provoke laughter like nothing else.

A couple of my favorites:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we".

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table".

Applause! That was the most important dude on the planet, folks. Looks like God has not paid much attention to this part of the Milky Way galaxy.

Need I say any more? I don't know, but I don't feel like anyway.

Peace.
AMD

Occupational Hazards

Job, the principal activity in our lives that we do to acquire or deserve a certain paper or metallic medium of exchange called money.

On planet Earth, like most other planets, if you possess a certain pre-determined quantity of money, you are said to be above the poverty line! India, being the second most populous country on planet Earth, and a quarter of all Indians still living below the poverty line, is currently witnessing an economic phenomenon of job creation, which I happen to be part of.

Being a software programmer in addition to being an Indian, it is quite natural for me to be very familiar with the word "Outsourcing". Outsourcing is defined by most earthlings as the day-to-day execution of an entire business function of an organization, by a third party service provider. A consummate definition, one would imagine.

Some facts about outsourcing:

• Outsourcing makes a lot of Indians very happy. It gives them jobs. It gave me my job.
• Outsourcing makes a lot of American techies very unhappy. They have lost thier jobs. Levelheaded Americans are taking strong, but desperate measures [like this website http://www.yourjobisgoingtoindia.com/].
• Outsourcing is known to have flummoxed many observers, even groups of pandimensional hyper-intelligent scientists armed with Arcturan Megacomputers. These pandimensional hyper-intelligent scientists call it the phenomenon of homosapio-lavoro transmigration. What is perplexing about it is the migration of jobs from America to India, and the migration of intelligent lifeforms from India to America, seeking jobs!
• Outsourcing is increasingly being replaced by another term - "Bangalored", derived from the name of a large south Indian city, Bangalore.

Some facts about Bangalore:

• Bangalore is a city of roughly 6.5 million earthlings.
• Bangalore is cited in particular because of its ill-famed reputation in America as a high-tech city, gobbling up jobs of all the people who have been laid off from American corporations.
• Bangalore is going to be renamed Bengaluru. This presents the pandimensional hyper-intelligent scientists with a tricky question. Do we now replace Bangalored by Bengalured?

As for the American techies, whether they are Bangalored or Bengalured, it will hurt just as much, although Benga-lured may sound more appropriate for jobs that are being coaxed out of America.

Peace.
AMD

Don't Panic

This is my first post in 'Blogger' and unfortunately this calls for an introduction.

The start of a new year. I decided to start web logging in 'Blogger' instead of the earlier crap. Blogging is not my passion. Just something I do when I feel like thinking.

At this point in time, the acronym A.M.D (thats how i sign my blogs) must be causing a lot of activity and impalpable pain in the left half of your brain because of its close resemblance to a certain microprocessor manufacturer. So I must kill the suspense right away.

Arcturan Mega Donkey makes his appearance many times in the science fiction novel - HHGG [referred to as 'The Guide' in many of my posts] by Douglas Adams.

I think (guess) the word Arcturan has a direct link with the giant star Arcturus, currently situated roughly 36 light-years away from Earth. Earth by the way, is where I currently live. About the Earth, The Guide says "Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea". Let us not digress from the main subject of attention. The word Mega usually means something large, or excellent. Donkey is of course the beast of burden and has no political connection what so ever with the Democratic party.

Phew! That should give the left half of your brain some well deserved rest.

You are also forced to know that I watch lot of TV and I'm passionate about basketball and music. I read good books when I'm tired of reading 'The Guide'. I work for a software firm whose name is a fact that has been verified.

Peace.
AMD